Jun 11, 2010
How Wide and Deep Is Your Self-Talk Gap?
The other day I did something astonishing. I entered a contest.
It’s not an ordinary contest to win a car, or a trip to a spectacular spa, or Europe (I would love that).
No. It’s a contest that could change my life, career, and family life dramatically if I won. It could bring fame and fortune to me overnight. It would be swift and overwhelming. It would be the equivalent to winning American Idol.
Before I share with you what the contest is, I want to talk about what the “self-talk gap” is. How it affected my life, and how it could be affecting yours…
The “Self-talk gap” is the valley you can often plunge into when you “think” you’re not “good enough” or “can’t” do something, or “fear” doing something because you think you’re not talented, experienced, and so on.
It’s a place you can dwell in for long periods of time (days) while keeping you from doing those things you dream of. It can paralyze you.
How do you get there?
Well, for me, it came from creating an incorrect perception of myself throughout the years based on opinions of others, life events, and circumstances.
If you’ve had any- what you perceive to be, “failures” in life – jobs, relationships, disappointments, and challenges, you may begin to believe that nothing good will happen to you.
Your self-esteem plunges into the “valley of negative self-talk” which begins to create the gap of what you “think” you “can’t do” because of _________ (whatever that is for you). Verses what “you can” do.
And it doesn’t matter what it is you want to do either – from asking someone out on a date, to buying that really pretty dress you “think” looks better on the hanger …
Much of what you think you can or can’t do is self induced. In reality, no one is hovering over you – or me, literally saying “you can’t do that! You’ll look like an idiot!” is there?
No. You and I do this to ourselves, all on our own, Without any help.
Now, there is a positive side to the “self-talk Gap” and it’s this – the willingness to explore how you got there in the first place.
The “valley” provides an opportunity to explore where the misconceptions about your-self came from. This can be challenging, but well worth it.
So, for example, when I started losing my eyesight and thought my life was over, I realized this experience opened new possibilities and opportunities for me. I never would have started my own radio show. I never would have become a childbirth educator. I never would be organizing educational teleseminars – never.
I slowly decreased my negative “self-talk gap” by discovering what I could do and focusing on it. I became more self-reliant, less dependent on what others would think, and followed my heart. With each small success I experienced (and I mean small), I lessened the gap from “there’s no way I can do that because …!” to “I’ll try it, I have nothing to lose”, “I can do this … “, “I’ll see what happens…”, while learning form the experiences.
For myself I would rather make an effort to get out of the valley, then to stay there, in the abyss where nothing happens. I would rather believe in “I can” and take action.
When you are able to cross the gap, passing over the valley, that’s when taking action to do anything in your life becomes easier.
Self-talk, negative or positive, is the catalyst that will create change, or not, in your life.
So this opportunity fell into my lap. I didn’t seek it out. The information came to me through an email and curiosity (I love curiosity) made me investigate. I was elated about the topic and I immediately got pumped up and said to myself “go for it!”
I jumped over the valley. I didn’t stop for one second to retreat. Okay, for a split second I did. But then I thought if I didn’t enter this contest I would fall back into the valley and begin to widen the gap again and I didn’t want to do that.
It’s a symbol of action. For me, if I can do this, I believe I can do anything.
Now here’s the funny part. I didn’t really “hear” the details of the contest. I thought it was for a “talk radio show”, when it’s really a TV Talk Show! It doesn’t matter.
What’s important is I put myself out there regardless of the outcome, win or lose.
And so can you.
If you liked this post and want to comment, thank you in advance.
Welcome 
Thank you so much for sharing this part of yourself, Lesly! Such an energy of success!! Life is all about overcoming our challenges and you are so right – we give ourselves most of the challenges!! I feel like I had a personal pep talk from reading this post. I voted for you, too! And I’ll be tuning in to your radio program as well. You sounded so great on the video, I know your show must be wonderful!
Teresa Ivory´s last blog ..Do You Work For Free?
Hi Lesly,
I luv this post! I have heard of “the gap” yet before reading this had never heard it phrased/referrred to “self-talk gap” or “valley of self-talk”. I can totally relate to what your wrote as I feel we’re on similar journey’s at the present, where I’ve been getting WAAYYYY (lol!) out of my comfort zone and saying to myself, “why not?” or, “I will try it and see what happens b/c I’ve got nothing to lose…and what if it works?” It’s amazing to me how much I have gone forward in my self-esteem since I became brave enough to take on this new identity (probably the “true me”), and pushed my negative self-talk aside. Really appreciate you sharing this, and so glad to hear of your success!
Christine
Christine Casey´s last blog ..How to Make Social Media Work for You
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Paul Klaszus, Paul Klaszus. Paul Klaszus said: @usmile (Lesly Federici) entered a contest she thought she'd never win. That in itself is a HUGE win! http://bit.ly/a7MCRf #TribeTSA [...]
What excites me is when action is taken, the resources, development, leadership, or whatever else we may need will be granted to us.
Without action, there’d be no need to grant it.
Blessings!
Paul
Paul Klaszus´s last blog ..Vision vs Goals vs Action
Thank you for posting..
@ Nicole, I had to do it so I wouldn’t spend days thinking about it! Negative thoughts can really get in the way!
@Erica, yes compassionate listeners are important…
Thank you both for voting!
lesly´s last blog ..What Numbness Does
Lesley,
Thanks for sharing a bit of your story. Amazing how something negative, even devastating, can often lead to something incredibly positive or even your life’s work or fulfillment of your life’s purpose. I have certainly been guilty of that negative self talk. And then sometimes other people enhance it, especially if they insist on being positive when my insides are screaming negativity. Just being able to verbalize it freely, to a compassionate listener, can change the whole internal scenario. But others’ “be positive” voices can deepend the dark whole my thinking turns. to.
I will go and vote for you now.
Erica
Oh well, I voted for you anyway, too bad it wasn’t talks radio. Glad you were brave enough to put yourself out there. That negative self talk is a big big trap! Gotta stay out of that gap or don’t get on the bus. Ho’oponopono has helped me a lot with the negativity. Thanks for reminding me to stay positive.